This is how I'm feeling at the moment.....lost.
Since my first diagnosis last October I have been quite upbeat, had my down days but on the whole I felt quite positive. But after I was told it was back in the other side a month ago I have been feeling the complete opposite. Never before have I felt so sad, I am certain I have hit rock bottom and I don't know how to get up. Three weeks ago I had a second mastectomy and have been recovering, mainly alone. Hubby was working, the kids were at the grandparents so I didn't have to look after them and I think I can count the number of visitors I had on one hand. I went a bit stir crazy as I wasn't allowed to drive for a couple of weeks.
My body is slowly recovering but my arm is still stiff and sore from the node clearance and I have a horrible painful seroma where my boob once was.
It's my mind that is struggling. Struggling that I have to do it all again when we had just started getting some sort of life back. Struggling knowing that my oncologist thinks that it might still spread so will be ordering more scans after chemo and probably more in the future. Struggling with the fact I am now classed as 'high risk' of the cancer coming back and going elsewhere. Struggling with my research of the chemo drugs I'm going to be on and finding that it's normally used for advanced cancer. Panicking that my team have forgotten to tell me something! Struggling with not knowing if I'm going to be around to see my two amazing boys grow up. I'm worried that my friends are now bored of cancer Kim, and I don't blame them. Who likes hearing about cancer all the time and I'm not the happy cancer patient I once was. I feel sorry for my husband, he is struggling with it too and feels rubbish he can't help me. The look he gives me when it all gets too much for me and I cry, it breaks my heart.
I wake up in the morning and I don't want to face the world, I just want to curl up in bed and stay there. But I can't, my boys need me to look after them. At the moment I feel like I'm not a good mummy, I never feel like going out anywhere or doing anything really. I snap at them and lose my patience with them quickly. It's not their fault and I feel incredibly guilty.
I don't even have the energy or inclination to do any of my crafts I used to really enjoy doing. Instead I have thrown myself into helping others going through this. Myself and three other ladies are running a charity giving out gift bags to local people going through chemo for breast cancer. I genuinely feel happy when I know we have helped someone through a rough time. I am also helping to organise workshops in my local town to show people how to check yourself and what signs to look out for. I really hope I can make a difference with these two ventures.
I still feel like I'm 18 and definitely don't feel like I am grown up enough to deal with all this crap!
I know I need to speak to a professional and I need to do it soon before it gets worse. So that is next on my list of things to do!